The Great Coffee Machine Synergy Protocol

Brenda, our new "Visionary Lead for Interdepartmental Resource Allocation," strutted into the breakroom with a laminated flowchart and the terrifying gleam of someone about to revolutionize brewing. "Team," she announced, tapping the innocent coffee machine, "we're elevating our morning ritual from mere caffeine intake to a 'Synergy Optimization Protocol for High-Impact Hydration and Collaborative Wakefulness.'"

Gary, whose eyes usually only opened fully after two cups, groaned internally. "Brenda," he ventured, "can't we just, you know, make coffee?"

Brenda’s smile was unyielding. "Gary, that's legacy thinking! We need to streamline our 'Resource Deployment for Optimal Liquid Intake' by introducing a 'Bean-to-Cup Lifecycle Management Matrix.' Each employee will now log their brew preferences on the shared 'Caffeination Cohesion Portal' *before* approaching the machine. This minimizes 'Operational Friction' and maximizes 'Inter-Employee Liquid Resource Fulfillment Ratios.'"

The portal, naturally, crashed twice before lunch. Sarah, attempting to log her 'Medium Roast, Two Sugars, Dash of Oat Milk' preference, accidentally ordered 50 pounds of decaf beans and triggered a company-wide alert for "Unauthorized Bean Hoarding."

By day's end, the coffee machine remained untouched. Everyone was either too intimidated by the flowchart, stuck in the portal, or had simply given up and gone to the overpriced cafe downstairs, effectively outsourcing their "High-Impact Hydration." Brenda, however, declared the protocol a roaring success, citing a "0% incidence of spontaneous, un-synergized brewing," which, technically, was true. The office, she concluded, was now perfectly synchronized in its collective thirst.