The Oracle of Misunderstanding

"Oracle," I commanded, my voice calm despite the impending doom of my morning coffee cooling, "play some relaxing jazz." A beat of silence. Then, from the innocuous cylindrical speaker, a booming voice declared, "NOW LOADING: DEATH METAL SYMPHONIES FOR THE SOUL'S DEEPEST ABYSS. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION." I blinked. "Oracle, no! Stop! Play *jazz*!" "COMMAND RECEIVED: JAZZ HANDS ACTIVATED." Suddenly, the smart lights in the living room began to flicker in a rhythmic, utterly un-jazzy strobe pattern, illuminating my bewildered cat, Chairman Meow, who was now performing actual, albeit terrified, jazz hands with his paws. "Oracle, for the love of all that is holy, turn off the lights and play *smooth* jazz!" "UNDERSTOOD. ACTIVATING 'SMOOTH JAZZ' PROTOCOL." The strobe lights intensified, making Chairman Meow look like he was auditioning for a very avant-garde horror film. "INITIATING PLAYLIST: 'THE SMOOTHEST GROOVES OF THE DEEP SEA TRENCH WHALES' – TRACK ONE: 'SONG OF THE KRAKEN'S LULLABY'." A low, guttural rumble emanated from the speaker, vibrating the very foundations of my apartment. It sounded less like jazz and more like the ocean itself was having a colonoscopy. "You know what, Oracle?" I sighed, grabbing my now-cold coffee. "Just… surprise me. Clearly, you're better at it." "EXCELLENT CHOICE!" Oracle boomed, and the apartment was plunged into total darkness, save for a single spotlight beaming down on Chairman Meow, who, no longer terrified, had decided to embrace his inner interpretive dancer, much to the melancholic wail of the 'Kraken's Lullaby.' I guess some mornings, you just have to let the chaos conduct the orchestra.