The Zen of Zero Productivity

The email landed with the force of a thousand unsolicited newsletters: 'Mindful Monday Meditations – Your Path to Peak Performance!' It was Brenda from HR, whose previous 'initiatives' included a 'Positive Post-it Day' that resulted in passive-aggressive sticky note wars, and a 'Desk Yoga' session where someone dislocated a shoulder reaching for their stapler.

This time, Brenda promised 'inner peace and enhanced focus' with a mandatory 9 AM meditation. The entire team gathered in the dimly lit conference room, eyes darting nervously. Brenda, swathed in what looked suspiciously like a yoga mat cut into a poncho, began, 'Close your eyes, breathe deep, and imagine a calm, flowing river…'

From the back, Kevin, perpetually tethered to his triple-shot espresso, snorted. Across from him, Sarah was already slumped, head nodding perilously close to the table. And then came the sound. A low, rhythmic rumbling that grew louder with each of Brenda's increasingly strained 'focus on your breath' directives. It wasn't the air conditioning, nor the distant city traffic. It was Gary, in accounting, who, having been told to 'release all tension,' had apparently released his bladder control, causing his office chair to make a most unfortunate, squishy sound.

Brenda's eyes snapped open. The 'calm, flowing river' had taken on a new, highly unsanitary meaning. Kevin burst out laughing, jolting Sarah awake, who then let out a startled yelp. Gary, mortified, bolted from the room, leaving a trail of… well, let's just say the conference room's upholstery would never be the same.

'Namaste,' Brenda whispered, her spiritual aura completely shattered, 'and perhaps next week, we'll try a silent reading hour.' The only peace achieved was the immediate cessation of mandatory mindfulness.